Not A Requiem

This is so typical of most relationships, that I feel stupid even mentioning it. That said, I don't intend to generalize or project my proclivities on others. For me it began mostly as a result of nothing substantial to occupy myself with. There was no class work, or little class work at best. Music in college was interesting, but that too took at most a few hours a week. I took my cue from Chandna, who, amongst his other engagements, had started a relationship some time back.

Chandna being Chandna, or at least the version of him that I knew, the version we called Chandna, was one with whom most relationships began in a flurry of suppositions and assumptions, and usually collapsed right when he intended to make them concrete. I later found out that his relationship, the one I emulated, met the same fate as its predecessors. Chandna had many: some he really worked hard over. He spent a fair amount of cash on one of them, if I remember right, but when he decided it was over, it really was. I don't think he even remembers that association now, and if he does, I have a nagging feeling that he is embarrassed about it.

Since I'm free these days, I have ample time to look around, and whatever chain I follow, the ultimate outcome seems to be the same. I come across discarded emotion. Things that were once evocative, pertinent and hence alive, now remain like archaeological pasts. It doesn't even take much to find such examples. They seem to follow me like some kind of chastising chaperones reminding me of my own story.

I really started out on this relationship with a flurry. I devoted a lot of time to it. I was very careful about how I worded things. Communication was of paramount importance. This was, after all, my spiritual center, in a sense. I came to it when I had nothing else to do and it filled me so completely that I didn't feel the need to do much else. But the initial enthusiasm was fairly, if not extremely, ephemeral. It began to flag a lot sooner than I thought it would. The enthusiasm was replaced by a more mundane desire to share, as opposed to the initial desire to impress. But there was meat left in it still, and I held on to it, hoping that things would get better again.

They did get better, but only in patches. There were bursts of renewed vigor. The desire to share morphed incompletely with the desire to impress though this conundrum was masked, to a large degree, by an effort to be funny. But then there were periods of detachment. I had begun to find fulfillment in other things. This simultaneously worried me and gave me a sense of freedom. I was no longer bound by the constraints of being regular. At the same time, I was about to distance myself, possibly for ever, from something that I had once shared the best and the worst of me with.

Of late, I've been errant for far too long. But the more I think about it, the more I feel convinced that this is just a break. I think that eventually this relationship will find another niche for itself in my continuously changing circumstances. After all, it is great to be able to speak one's mind, and that perhaps was the starting point of this whole thing anyways.

So yes, this blog will live, unlike De Rob De Rob De Rob, or the one belonging to Binoy or the many others that lie around on the web like detritus from an emotive past. I was just taking a break, and I might continue taking one, but like someone not worthy of quoting once said, "I will be back."